Edward Gorey Does Lord of the Rings

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A is for Arwen, who missed the last boat
B is for Boromir, who punctured his coat
C is for Celeborn, outclassed by his dame
D is for Denethor, slightly insane
E is for Éowyn, whose pop kicked the bucket
F is for Frodo, who can't seem to chuck it
G is for Gimli, whose beard needs a comb
H is for Haldir, who should've stayed home
I is for Isildur, for whom arrows itch
J is for jewelry it's better to ditch
K is for Khazad-dum, in need of remodelling
L is for Legolas, whom fangirls keep ogling
M is for Mithrandir, who had a big fall
N is for Nazgûl, who's not fond of dolls
O is for Oliphaunts, who pack a big trunk
P is for Pippin, who's got lots of spunk
Q is for Quenya that's no longer spoken
R is for Redhorn: the ski slope ain't open!
S is for Saruman, who likes to raise Wargs
T is for Thingol, who got gypped by Dwarves
U is for Uruk-hai in need of a shower
V is for Varda, celeb with star power
W is for Wormtongue, whose diet is icky
X is for slash fic or hat tricks and hickeys
Y is Yavanna, a tree-huggin' darlin'
Z is for Zirik-zigil ... what's that in Sindarin?