Return of the Stupid
Jul. 21st, 2012 10:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sepdetI was just digging around in the depths of my laptop and discovered a parody I never finished. It was making fun of Peter Jackson's editorial changes to Tolkien at the beginning of The Return of the King.
I only covered a few scenes. If you haven't seen the movie in a while, you may have mercifully forgotten the draggy bits in Rohan, but anyway...
Inspired by HC's blow-by-blow account of FF8, "full of the stupid."
--
Frodo: Not hungry. Not sleepy. And not in Mordor yet either. Why is this taking so long? Wasn't I supposed to be captured by orcs already?
Sam: We were too busy being stupid in Osgiliath.
__
Éomer: why are we riding towards Isengard? We were gazing towards Mordor and Minas Tirith at the end of TTT, about to ride to war.
Théoden: Because we need to waste time being stupid first.
Aragorn: That wasn't you, Éomer, that was your stunt double.
Legolas: Yeah, they forgot to lop your head off in post-production and stick it on his body.
Éomer: Good, because I need it in this movie so I can do stuff.
Aragorn: *snicker*
Éomer: What? What?
Aragorn: Oh, nothing.
Merry: Welcome, Lords, to Isengard!
Pippin: I'm still stupid!
Theatrical version
Treebeard: Welcome, Gandalf! The filth of Saruman is washing away.
Gimli: Are we going to go kick Saruman's butt?
Gandalf: No.
Gimli: So why are we here again?
Gandalf: So Pippin can be stupid. Here, I'll take that, lad.
Merry: What was that about? How did you know there was a honking big bowling ball under all that muck?
Pippin: In my previous life, I was a dolphin trained to find underwater mines.
Extended Edition
Treebeard: Welcome, Gandalf. The filth of Saruman is washing away.
Gimli: Are we going to kick Saruman's butt?
Gandalf: No, we're going to go stand under his garret so he can make us look stupid.
Saruman, with Magic Clear Long Distance Calling: Taunt Taunt Taunt. Aragorn, you're smelly and you can't be king because you left your sword in Rivendell.
Aragorn: Gosh, I feel stupid.
Saruman, with Magic Clear Long Distance Hearing: I heard that! Bwhahaha! Théoden, you're such a total wuss. Aragorn's horse was more effective and got more action than you.
Théoden: Gosh, I feel stupid.
Saruman, with Magic Clear Long Distance Firebolts: BOOM SPLAT BANG!
Gandalf: *shiny* I am Gandalf the Sparkly White Now. The cheap power of special FX will not avail you. You will bow to the power of my superior fashion sense and tell us everything we need to know.
Saruman: Because I'm at the top of a 200 foot tower with a large heavy bowling ball in my robes, and you're standing directly beneath me, being shiny?
Gandalf: Yes. Are you intimidated yet?
Saruman: Feel the stupid. Gandalf, you twit, Frodo's been waving the Ring at everyone in Middle-earth, totally undercutting that whole "make Sauron think Aragorn has it" strategy, and you sent two hobbits to Mordor to die in boiling lava. I hope you're proud of yourself.
Gandalf: Gosh, I feel stupid.
Grima: Lip quiver.
Théoden: Gríma! I love you! All is forgiven! Let us romp in the meadows and braid daisies in each others' hair!
Saruman: He loves me more than you. *slaps*
Grima: Lip quiver.
Théoden: Gríma! Honeycakes!
Gríma: I LOVE YOU! *stabbbity stabbity stab*
Saruman: *realistically fails to scream while being stabbed in the lungs for the sake of accuracy, because, you know, the rest of this scene was so realistic*
Legolas: *shoots Gríma for no apparent reason*
Gimli: Um?
Legolas: Scene dragging on too long.
Gimli: Oh, right, and there's beer in the next one. Carry on.
Saruman: Falls, impales self on convenient GIANT SPIKED WATER WHEEL OF DOOM, falls, drops bowling ball which failed to come out of sleeve the whole way down.
Pippin: *trained dolphin imitation*
___
Théoden: To the victorious dead.
Rohirrim: Party, swill, drink a lot.
Extended Edition
Gimli: Look how drunk I can be! Worlds of Stupid. Drinking contest with pretty boy!
Legolas: Behold, I've never encountered alcohol before, even though my father's hall is famous for Dorwinion wine! I'm so gormless I don't even know how to be drunk!
Gimli: *passes out*
Éomer: Good poker face, Elf.
___
Gandalf: Time to go consolidate our forces at Minas Tirith so that Sauron will be slightly less able to squash us like bugs.
Théoden: Nah. I'd much rather stand around saying dramatic lines. It worked so well in the last film.
Gandalf: Okay, good. Let's go to bed then.
*everyone passes out*
Pippin: Behold! I get to be stupid now! *acid trip with bowling ball*
Legolas, standing outside, inexplicably dressed like a Dark Jedi complete with cowl and guyliner: LASSIE SENSES DANGER!
Aragorn: Legolas, you're really beginning to worry me with that spidey sense.
Legolas: Aragorn! I foresee in your future that you shall hold a flaming bowling ball!
Aragorn: You are so cracked. *runs inside, wrestles flaming bowling ball from Pippin*
Gandalf: Worlds of Stupid! Pippin, what did you see!
Pippin: I saw-- I saw... the plot!
Éomer: This movie has a plot?
Aragorn: Shut up, you're not supposed to have any lines.
Éomer: Right, looking unwashed now.
Gandalf: Pippin! I have a brilliant idea! Let's get you to safety in a city that Sauron's about to attack!
Aragorn: What about us?
Gandalf: Sit around and twiddle your thumbs. If the beacons are lit, that means it's nearly too late, so then you should come.
Aragorn: Very Wise.
*Gandalf rides off in search of the plot*
I only covered a few scenes. If you haven't seen the movie in a while, you may have mercifully forgotten the draggy bits in Rohan, but anyway...
Inspired by HC's blow-by-blow account of FF8, "full of the stupid."
--
Frodo: Not hungry. Not sleepy. And not in Mordor yet either. Why is this taking so long? Wasn't I supposed to be captured by orcs already?
Sam: We were too busy being stupid in Osgiliath.
__
Éomer: why are we riding towards Isengard? We were gazing towards Mordor and Minas Tirith at the end of TTT, about to ride to war.
Théoden: Because we need to waste time being stupid first.
Aragorn: That wasn't you, Éomer, that was your stunt double.
Legolas: Yeah, they forgot to lop your head off in post-production and stick it on his body.
Éomer: Good, because I need it in this movie so I can do stuff.
Aragorn: *snicker*
Éomer: What? What?
Aragorn: Oh, nothing.
Merry: Welcome, Lords, to Isengard!
Pippin: I'm still stupid!
Theatrical version
Treebeard: Welcome, Gandalf! The filth of Saruman is washing away.
Gimli: Are we going to go kick Saruman's butt?
Gandalf: No.
Gimli: So why are we here again?
Gandalf: So Pippin can be stupid. Here, I'll take that, lad.
Merry: What was that about? How did you know there was a honking big bowling ball under all that muck?
Pippin: In my previous life, I was a dolphin trained to find underwater mines.
Extended Edition
Treebeard: Welcome, Gandalf. The filth of Saruman is washing away.
Gimli: Are we going to kick Saruman's butt?
Gandalf: No, we're going to go stand under his garret so he can make us look stupid.
Saruman, with Magic Clear Long Distance Calling: Taunt Taunt Taunt. Aragorn, you're smelly and you can't be king because you left your sword in Rivendell.
Aragorn: Gosh, I feel stupid.
Saruman, with Magic Clear Long Distance Hearing: I heard that! Bwhahaha! Théoden, you're such a total wuss. Aragorn's horse was more effective and got more action than you.
Théoden: Gosh, I feel stupid.
Saruman, with Magic Clear Long Distance Firebolts: BOOM SPLAT BANG!
Gandalf: *shiny* I am Gandalf the Sparkly White Now. The cheap power of special FX will not avail you. You will bow to the power of my superior fashion sense and tell us everything we need to know.
Saruman: Because I'm at the top of a 200 foot tower with a large heavy bowling ball in my robes, and you're standing directly beneath me, being shiny?
Gandalf: Yes. Are you intimidated yet?
Saruman: Feel the stupid. Gandalf, you twit, Frodo's been waving the Ring at everyone in Middle-earth, totally undercutting that whole "make Sauron think Aragorn has it" strategy, and you sent two hobbits to Mordor to die in boiling lava. I hope you're proud of yourself.
Gandalf: Gosh, I feel stupid.
Grima: Lip quiver.
Théoden: Gríma! I love you! All is forgiven! Let us romp in the meadows and braid daisies in each others' hair!
Saruman: He loves me more than you. *slaps*
Grima: Lip quiver.
Théoden: Gríma! Honeycakes!
Gríma: I LOVE YOU! *stabbbity stabbity stab*
Saruman: *realistically fails to scream while being stabbed in the lungs for the sake of accuracy, because, you know, the rest of this scene was so realistic*
Legolas: *shoots Gríma for no apparent reason*
Gimli: Um?
Legolas: Scene dragging on too long.
Gimli: Oh, right, and there's beer in the next one. Carry on.
Saruman: Falls, impales self on convenient GIANT SPIKED WATER WHEEL OF DOOM, falls, drops bowling ball which failed to come out of sleeve the whole way down.
Pippin: *trained dolphin imitation*
___
Théoden: To the victorious dead.
Rohirrim: Party, swill, drink a lot.
Extended Edition
Gimli: Look how drunk I can be! Worlds of Stupid. Drinking contest with pretty boy!
Legolas: Behold, I've never encountered alcohol before, even though my father's hall is famous for Dorwinion wine! I'm so gormless I don't even know how to be drunk!
Gimli: *passes out*
Éomer: Good poker face, Elf.
___
Gandalf: Time to go consolidate our forces at Minas Tirith so that Sauron will be slightly less able to squash us like bugs.
Théoden: Nah. I'd much rather stand around saying dramatic lines. It worked so well in the last film.
Gandalf: Okay, good. Let's go to bed then.
*everyone passes out*
Pippin: Behold! I get to be stupid now! *acid trip with bowling ball*
Legolas, standing outside, inexplicably dressed like a Dark Jedi complete with cowl and guyliner: LASSIE SENSES DANGER!
Aragorn: Legolas, you're really beginning to worry me with that spidey sense.
Legolas: Aragorn! I foresee in your future that you shall hold a flaming bowling ball!
Aragorn: You are so cracked. *runs inside, wrestles flaming bowling ball from Pippin*
Gandalf: Worlds of Stupid! Pippin, what did you see!
Pippin: I saw-- I saw... the plot!
Éomer: This movie has a plot?
Aragorn: Shut up, you're not supposed to have any lines.
Éomer: Right, looking unwashed now.
Gandalf: Pippin! I have a brilliant idea! Let's get you to safety in a city that Sauron's about to attack!
Aragorn: What about us?
Gandalf: Sit around and twiddle your thumbs. If the beacons are lit, that means it's nearly too late, so then you should come.
Aragorn: Very Wise.
*Gandalf rides off in search of the plot*
