Wish fulfilment dreams

[sepdet]

Freud said in his usual overgeneralizing fashion that all dreams are wish fulfillments being worked out by the unconscious.

No but it's a common theme.

I dreamed some younger member had put a story in the writing forum which included (among many other things) two male characters who were in love in a shy, non-explicit manner.

Someone posted a gutwrenchingly nasty comment by way of reply.

I came on the scene to find well over a hundred replies of people being supportive, both straight and queer, saying it was a sweet story, there was nothing coarse or offensive about it, giving the young and nervous writer encouragement to write more. In the dream, many people had gay-friendly images.

Even Tara had stopped by to post something.

I was so grateful and stunned, because I have this odd feeling as a moderator that since I so clearly speak for the plaza, I can't speak for myself (since some people would confuse the two). I don't, anyway, because we're trying to keep the plaza from turning into a politics/religion battlezone; it's nice to have one place where one can just enjoy a simple hobby without arguing endlessly over those things. It's hard for me not to lock horns. But it hurts me each and every time I see a member say hateful things. There was one yesterday.

Hurtful comments spoken in pure ignorance don't bother me much. What I hate is when people who DO post a rebuttal argue that plaza marriages are fictional, and one should no sooner assume the members involved are queer than that those who play Minions (orcs, etc) go around killing and torturing people in real life.

Okay, now that I've written that out I see why I was upset. That's a horrifying analogy, almost worse (to me) than the prejudice. "It's okay if we have imaginary queers on the plaza; we would never go around being queers/murderers/torturers in real life."

Yes, other people made the case for "we have all kinds of members here and that sort of comment is hurtful to some of them", which I appreciate. However, this particular line of argument, which I have seen before, is not one I can accept.

This analogy would set better with me:

"Plaza marriages are fictional, and you can't make assumptions about ANY member based on IC stuff. If someone roleplays a Rider of Rohan they may never have gotten on a horse in real life."

On the plaza, IC same-sex relationships are allowed, nay even smiled at if they are silly and frivolous. But real honest-to-gosh members who love each other very much, or who roleplay a meaningful relationship between two characters as devoted to one another as as Beren and Lúthien: no, that would not sit easily with a good many members. There is no rule against it. There would simply be a groundswell of ill-feeling. Therefore, the "silly" same-sex plaza marriages sometimes feel to me like the modern equivalent of blackface.


There are many things about this community I enjoy. This is not one of them.


That dream was accompanied by powerful relief and appreciation for the wonderful members of my community, a feeling of being accepted and supportive, a feeling of respect, gratitude, and profound gladness towards all the delightfully good folks I spend a lot of time hanging out with. It was lovely. I felt at home.

And then I woke up.



And in other news, ow, ow, ow, my body hates me. Stupid neck.

Comments

[trekqueen.livejournal.com]

eh it sounded like one of the teenyboppers we've had on our forums where they make a stupid comment attempting to be silly (like her dagger throwing thing at the picture) but expecting people to agree with them in following posts but then getting blasted for it because they made a complete fool of themselves.

don't worry *huggles* at least you've got RL friends who love you.

[tarioflorien.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Sweetie, you know they meant well. Sometimes the best of intentions are not expressed very well. I'm certainly guilty of it. In my opinion, it's your responsibility to educate us. *g*

[sepdet.livejournal.com]

I know she meant well, but I'm running into a fine line of what the plaza's for. If I reply to her, I would turn it into a political discussion.

I may email her; she's a bit of a friend and has absolutely not realized the unfortunate implications of that analogy.

[foekenoppert.livejournal.com]

People fear what they do not understand...

[akycha.livejournal.com]

Ow. Every year when I do the class on homophobia, I explain the concept of minstrel shows to my class in the context of talking about queer people in media (in order to explain the word "gayface.") The two cases are unfortunately alike.

You are right on the mark about that analogy, in my opinion. It happens in a lot of fandoms-- "My god! You don't think we'd let real queers in, do you? We only use the concept to titillate and make fun of!" (To be perfectly fair, there are many people who support civil rights within fandoms, but these attitudes persist-- loudly-- among many.)

It is amazingly difficult and exhausting work, dealing with homophobia and attempting to do what you can to educate people about it. People who do not experience an oppression personally have no idea how it wears you down, day after day, being told that you are dirty, deviant, marginal, unimportant, and most of all, that you should shut up and take it.

I understand the urge to educate people, and I think it is a noble work. However, it is not our responsibility to educate people about homophobia. I am going to make the obvious analogy, because it is something that I have to talk about when I am teaching classes on racism-- it is also not the responsibility of people of color to educate white people about racism. It is supremely unfair to give one group of people both the burden of dealing with institutionalized prejudice and all the responsibility for working against that prejudice. It is a way that people who are not in the marginalized group-- whether by virtue of gender, race, class, or sexuality-- can disavow their own complicity in a system that favors them, and shrug off the responsibility of learning about and working to dismantle that system.

Of course, we often wind up doing the education-- after all, we have the most motivation to. That marginalization leads directly to not only daily humiliations and being denied equal rights, but also to the fear of violence and murder. Sexual orientation is the second most common hate crime in the U.S.-- and it is climbing up on race-motivated hate crimes hand over fist.

What I am trying to say is, that education against homophobia is a great, wonderful, and terrible work, and I admire you for your efforts. But do not feel that it is your responsibility. No, that burden goes to those who are privileged by the system, however much they try to shuck it. I am not saying that you should not do what you can-- after all, don't we all do what we can?-- but I am telling you not to feel guilty that you cannot do it all.

That guilt does not belong to you.

[tarioflorien.livejournal.com]

And I understand what you say Akycha, you are right. I filtered it through my own perspective of practicing an alternate religion. There are so many prejudices against "witches" and Wicca, I do personally consider it my responsibility to educate those who ask me and correct misconceptions where I may. I know it's not the same as homophobia, but just as personal to me *g*.

There are several times that I have refrained from getting into Wiccan discussions on the plaza. If a person seems genuinely interested, I drop them a private email.

It is a fine line to walk, when to say something and when to shut up. I stand corrected *smiles*. My apologies Tinw. *hugs*

[akycha.livejournal.com]

As it happens, I am also a Witch, although not Wiccan. :)

It is a difficult situation, determining what to say and when to say it. How will one's attempt at education be received? Does one have the energy to try one more time to get people to see? Can one handle yet more personal attacks and nasty remarks? Everyone who works against prejudice has, I think, to face such questions. We all fight our own personal battles every day, and there are so many battles that we must learn to pick and choose, lest we become exhausted.

As you so rightly point out, it is a fine line to walk.

[sepdet.livejournal.com]

Now that's helpful. We were trained so much with the "Silence=Death" concept in college, that the Nazis got into power because people kept their mouth shut and didn't protest until it was too late.

So I wrestle with my conscience when I don't say anything!

But when I participate in this community, it is in the understanding that it is not an arena for education and consciousness-raising. Partly that's to maintain a friendly atmosphere (which works, except when stupid incidents like this crop up). Partly that's for my own sanity because it is easier not to have to be an activist 24/7, even in one's recreation.

It's just hard when I've had to closet myself there. I am abstractly out of the closet. I have occasionally written love poetry in the P&FF forum. But I have to censor both my roleplay and details.

[akycha.livejournal.com]

I think, in this situation, the pertinent question is: a friendly atmosphere for who?

I doubt very much that you are the only queer person who feels uncomfortable at self-censorship, silenced, or even erased. I wonder how many possible participants have elected not to join or have left for this reason. How many other people find it hard to be in the closet there?

I disagree with the idea that because one is in "power" in a certain situation that one lays aside all ability for consciousness-raising. Indeed, as one of the "powers" of a place, you have more access to that. (Is it inappropriate for elected officials in our government to be openly queer?)

In one of the classes that I am teaching this semester, we just discussed the concept of the chosen family as a queer idea. One of the subjects we brought up was one of raising children in queer family. A parent addressed the problem of seeing his child face homophobia because of his (the father's) orientation, and said, "Either I am open and teach my child pride and openness, or I closet myself and teach my child that being gay is not okay," thus reinforcing and contributing to homophobia. His choice to be open exposed the child to homophobia, but it also taught that homophobia was wrong.

This was a difficult choice, of course. No one wants to expose their children to violence and brutality at school. Other people from our readings talked about choosing to remain closeted in their ethnic communities, because they found these so important that they were unwilling to alienate themselves from their heritage by openly declaring themselves queer.

How much education to do is never an easy choice. And I still maintain that it is not primarily your responsibility, but the responsibility of all those on your Plaza-- particularly the straight people-- to face up to those prejudices.

I just don't think that you should let ideas of "being responsible" or, goddess forbid, keeping "a family-friendly atmosphere" keep you from doing what you want to do and what you think is right. (In terms of the latter-- if small children can learn about straight marriage, they can learn about queer marriage. The two cases are completely parallel-- two people who live together and love each other. There is nothing inappropriate about this information.)

Prejudice hurts everyone. Don't let other people's ideas of what is "appropriate"-- whether these ideas keep you in the closet or oblige you to educate-- keep you from being yourself.

And now that I have lectured you in a most unwarranted manner, I will shut up.

I love you, you know. I hate to see you frustrated and hurting. And oh, do I understand the bitterness of the good dream.

[heavenscalyx.livejournal.com]

Partly that's for my own sanity because it is easier not to have to be an activist 24/7, even in one's recreation.

This, this is why, as I get older, I get more separatist. Not because I want to separate myself from humanity as a whole -- I just want some place where I'm allowed to be myself.

I'm a woman, I'm fat, I'm a lesbian, I'm a geek, I'm a witch, I'm a survivor, I'm a writer, I'm a gamer -- the list of labels that mark me as DIFFERENT go on and on. Any place that I select as my home -- whether it be brick and mortar, or whether it is online -- must permit me to not only be myself, but to defend myself and extend education to others. Thus, Bright Future. Thus, my desire for women's land. Thus, my care in creating gaming groups. Because everywhere else I go, there is a modular chunk of me left behind somewhere safe, a chunk that no one in that space wants to see.

I'm sorry that the plaza is so very difficult in this way for you. I know that you enjoy it and get pleasure out of the good parts of it. I would've run screaming a long time ago, because I just don't have enough energy to cope with that sort of vileness and vitriol among the flowers.

[tarioflorien.livejournal.com]

Such well-spoken and intelligent friends you have, Tinw! I learn, I learn! Who says you can't teach old dogs? (speaking for myself *g*).

Goes back to what I think we were trying to learn in the 60's. Celebrating and embracing that which makes us different.

Whoopi Goldberg had a talkshow, anyone remember that? She had Carlos Santana as a guest. She asked him, "Back in the 60's, we all vowed to love each other, celebrate our differences and preach acceptance. What the hell happened?"

Good question, methinks.

[sepdet.livejournal.com]

Intelligent and well-spoken: yes indeed! One I've loved nearly half my life, the other one I find uber-cool in so many ways that I approved of their getting married!

*coughs and eyes the thread I linked to earlier today*

Some random person posts an image of a T-shirt saying:
I approve of gay marriage, if both chicks are hot!
The imp on my shoulder posted back:
Is that fair, I ask you? We only expect ONE of you to be hot!

*adjusts halo*


Yes, er, overemphasis on appearance, but I simply couldn't resist a straight line.

I feel better now. And that after having a long momcall.

[tarioflorien.livejournal.com]

I saw that and had to chuckle. Sometimes it's just too delicious too resist!